Niglf

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 21:32:51 GMT

I've been eating really bad for a while now. My usual lunch spots consists of Carls Jr, Taco Bell, Del Taco, a local burger joint called Toms or a nice big carne asada burrito off the lunch trunk. Combined with the fact that I have absolutely no exercise routine in my life, I make for one fat slob.

My girlfriend has been trying to get me to get on a better diet, so today I decided to go to subway for a nice salad and sandwich. I get to subway and order the "Mediterranean Chicken Salad" and a 6" Steak and Cheese sub. I've never ordered a salad from Subway before, but it turned out to be pretty good. One problem, the dude making the salad doused it with dressing like it was BBQ sauce on some ribs. I always want extra BBQ sauce or ranch dressing when I order fries or something, but no, the only time I get a a extra portion of some kind of condiment is when I order a frick'n salad.

I bought back my lunch to the office today, I walk to my prison, err cubicle and notice one of my old coworkers stopped by for a visit. She quit because she recently had a baby, and of course she brought her baby to show everyone. I'm not much for babies, never been, so I give my quick and generic "congratulations" to her, sit down and proceed to start my lunch. I devour the steak sandwich and start grubbing down on my salad dressing with a side of salad. Reading Espn.com while I eat, I just happened to glace over at the circle of women surrounding this poor baby. (Every single female worker in my office were surrounding the poor kid, I thought they were going to eat him or something.) Apparently the kid thought along the same lines as I did and quickly hit the panic button and started his natural baby born "defense mechanism." As I'm munching on a mouth full of salad, I had the privilege of watching the baby barf up a load onto the women (not his mother) holding him. I felt like doing the same thing....A huge burst of laughter let loose, even the lady that got barffed on was laughing, which I totally don't understand. I would have chucked the kid across the room if he barffed on me.

Even though I still had room to eat, I totally lost my appetite witnessing the baby barf thing. So I guess I'm having left over salad for dinner tonight. At least I save a few bucks...

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 23:12:30 GMT

Sharted: To expel intestinal gas through the anus but accidentally defecate in the process.

You ever have that feeling in your stomach where you know something's not safe? You know the feeling I'm talking about, like when you have to think really hard and wonder if its worth taking the risk...just to break wind. When you do have this feeling common sense tells you to reach for the Pepto and not make any sudden movements till it kicks in. Unfortunately, for a certain person I know, he threw caution (or pissed) into the wind and paid for it.

Back in my youth, I used to be a jock. All I ever thought about was playing Basketball or Volleyball. My girlfriend in high school once asked me "If tomorrow was the last day of your life, would you go play Volleyball or come see me?" and I said "couldn't I get a quick game in and THEN go see you?" That's how much I loved to play. This love for the game continued till I was around 24, by then I played my 2 years in college and proceed to play pickup games at a local gym.

Everyone that played in that gym had played some sort of high level volleyball. So there were definitely some characters in there. Some were so intense they played like they were going for the gold in the Olympics. One person in particular, wasn't the best player I've seen before, would grunt every time he'd hit the ball. Like some of those tennis chicks, "rrrAAAGGGHHH!" every time single damn time. Of course my friends and I clown'd on him, but nothing gave us more reason to bag on him till one certain night.

We were in our usual game, playing pretty seriously. All 3 courts were being used so it was loud in the gym. A lot of guys hustling and yelling for the ball, and I was in center court, right in the middle of it all. It was pretty late in the game, all smiles were gone and I was yelling just as much as the next guy. I remember I was on defense when I saw my opponent taking a huge running approach to take a swing that the ball. As I watched him run from center back to the left side, I dug my feet in ready to take a hard hit, or ready to move if I had to dive. As he closed in on the ball he started to do his usual grunt, but when his feet left the ground his grunt was cut short and he almost whiffed the ball. The second his feet touched the ground, and I mean literally the second he landed, he took off running...for the bathroom. It was like one fast motion, run, jump, land, run. Everyone on the court kinda looked at each other with a blank look on their faces. Then the whispers started flying around:

"Dude, I think he shitted in his pants"

"Did he run for the bathroom?"

"Hahaha, he shitted in his pants"

Yes boys and girls, he sharted in his pants. No one ever confronted him about it, but c'mon. Who takes off to the bathroom that fast, in the middle of the game if you didn't have a dingle berry hanging from your ass? Nasty thing is, that guy came back and continued to play. I think I let the ball drop every time after he touched it, no matter how easy of a ball is was.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 21:39:08 GMT

Guys check out girls whenever they can, it's the law of nature. There are no exceptions, all guys look.

That being said, there are two kind of guys who check out girls. The first one is the "Secret Agent Man", this is the guy who tries his hardest not to get caught staring by the girl he's checking out and the girl he's currently with. Some of these guys have made this an art form. I've seen guys pretending to crack their neck just so he could rotate his head enough to see some ass, or the golf "practice" swing so he can turn around completely. Every guy has his own favorite move, and it's pretty funny once you notice him doing it, over and over again.

The second type are the guys that just don't give a fuck. They flat at stare at girls walking by, sometimes even making eye contact but just keep on staring. Most of these guys are the single "I have nothing to lose" ones. I've gone from "Secret Agent Man" to "I don't give a fu~ck" depending on the situation.

Example 1:

Back in college, my friends and I used to do what we dubbed the "Train". The "Train" is when we walked through the library in a single file line looking for girls to gawk at. There was absolutely nothing subtle about this. Girls used to pack up their shit and leave when we walked in. Once we finished our round we would have a team huddle outside and compare notes. Depressed from failing to see any fine girls my friend Young and I decided to mess with our friend Jimmy. We told Jimmy that there was a really hot girl in there and we caught her checking him (Jimmy) out. Upon hearing this Jimmy, poor Jimmy got up the courage to go ask the hot girl out. Unfortunately for Jimmy, the girl was not in fact a hot girl at all. Actually she was far..FAR from it. Laughing harder with every step he took, we watched Jimmy approach the girl and tap her shoulder. As she looked up from her books we literally saw Jimmy flinch and take a step back after he got a good look at her face. It was like one of those reaction you want to see in slow motion. Slowmo cam: "OOOOOHHHH SSSHHIIIEEEEETTTTTT." I know, it was mean, and sad and lets not forget funny as hell. The funnier part is that he didn't know what to do so he ended up asking her out...only to have her say "no". Ahh those were the good ol' days.

Example 2:

I knew this girl back in college, really hot, really nice and really nice..chest area. We were sitting on the benches and I was talking to her when, fighting the urge as hard as I could, my eyes started focusing on her breasts. I must have been looking for a good 10 seconds, and I was still listening to her talk but when I noticed she stopped talking I thought "oh shit" to myself and immediately looked up. Turns out she was starting at me the whole frick'n time. I was screwed, I didn't know what to say, and I could tell she was waiting for SOME kind of an excuse. Luckily my quick thinking finally kicked in for me and I said "that's a pretty cool necklace, what does it say?" She replied "Oh, this is my boyfriends name." WTF...She continued talking but by that time I tuned her out and started smoking. At least I got away with it, and avoided a ass beating form her boyfriend too.

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 16:11:16 GMT

Mother Fucker

Pronunciation: (Mua Fuker)

Function: Noun (Describes a person, place or thing)

Example: That mother fucker came to my mother fuck'n house and mother fuck'n told me he didn't have my mother fuck'n money. So I chased his mother fuck'n ass down and beat his mother fuck'n ass.

Def: Insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous [syn: asshole, bastard, cocksucker, dickhead, shit, motherfucker, prick, whoreson, son of a bitch, SOB] (Definition provide by Dictionary.com)

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 17:07:22 GMT

Most of you that know me probably won't believe this, but I had a pretty tiring day at work yesterday. Running around here, taking calls there, by the time I left my office I was pretty exhausted. I also had a hour and a half commute to my girlfriends house after work, that didn't help much either. Fortunately, I can always count on having a good time with my baby. So we're driving to dinner and unfortunately I'm not as talkative or responsive as I usually am, when we pass by this Mexican restaurant. (This place has the best tacos and burritos, hands down and is always packed with people.) I turn to my gf and say:

(This was on Thursday night btw)
Me: I came here on Sunday night once and there were like 30 people waiting.
GF: Oh, probably because it was a weekday hun.
Me: The weekend.
Gf: Huh? Today's Thursday
Me: .........

After my good laugh I felt much better and we proceeded on with our evening.

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 17:44:42 GMT

I love F.O.Bs. They always find a way to make me laugh....

Recently my girlfriend got me to switch to a lighter, safer (if there is such a thing) brand of cigarettes. As we all know there are literally hundreds of additives in each cigarette, this new brand claims to have none of those. In fact, on the front of the box there is a label stating "100% additive-free natural tobacco". The box it comes in is a very colorful, bright yellow, and it attracts the attention of one of my FOB coworkers.

Fobbyman: Psh...100% addictive free, that's bullshit...
Me: Huh?
Fobbyman: It says 100% addictive free on the box, that's BS.
Me: Lemme see that...
Me: Umm...dude, it says...additive...
Fobbyman: Oh, hahaha
Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
(I guess I thought it was funnier than he did...)

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 21:24:04 GMT

Ok, so I'm driving to work this morning and the song "Feeling Good" by Dapump comes on. (Japans answer to N'sync...only much worse) Anyways, I've heard this song hundreds of times without thinking this, but for some reason when I heard it this morning it made me think back to the time Paul and I actually recorded this song. Yes, I said recorded, as in singing in a studio and making a CD. Obviously we didn't understand the concept of embarrassment, this is something we've learned slowly over the past few years. As dumb as this idea was, we were at least smart enough not to let the existence of our songs leak out. (And I swear to god Paul, do NOT put our songs up for downloading!) We dragged poor Rob into this mess, (actually he was quick to jump on board) and we each recorded a few songs. I think the last song we sang was "Feeling Good". Now please keep in mind this song is a Japanese, kinda up tempo pop, rap type gay song, but its fun to sing. So Paul and I are singing away when we get close to the end of the song, theres a part that goes:

Aw Yeah~

P to the U to M to the P, Pump~!

Pump Pump Pump Pump it up y'all~!

Yeah, very gay, very embarrassing and kinda disturbing that we actually sang that part, well, tried to anyways. It was very, very hard not laughing while we were singing this part..very hard. Plus, we only get one take, so any mess ups goes on the CD. So Paul and I are trying to hardest not to laugh when we look over and see poor Rob, head down between his legs trying not to burst out laughing. You can totally tell he was holding it in, his shoulders, shit his whole body was shaking with laughter. So once Paul and I see this, naturally we start laughing, and now every time you listen to the CD you can tell exactly when we looked over at Rob.

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 18:20:10 GMT

I have a pretty long commute to work, a little over an hours drive. What do I do during that hours time you ask? I sing...I sing I sing and I sing. I try everything from N'sync to Eminem, not that I do it even halfway decently, but its still fun. So I'm on the 91 on my way home from work, blasting the music and singing my heart out when I look to my right and see this girl in the car a few lanes over. She has the windows rolled down, music blasting and she's singing like she's a American Idol contestant. Pretty much dancing as much as anyone can dance while driving a car. When I see that I was thinking, "dude, what an idiot, doesn't she realized people can see her?" So I shake my head and give her one of those "idiot" half laughs and proceed to go back to, "Dirty Pop! Sick and tired of hear'n all these people talk about...."

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 22:40:08 GMT

I own a lot of DVDs, well into the 300's. Having a Frys Electronics down the street from my office doesn't help much either. I go there (Frys) at least twice a week during my lunch break to look at new gadgets, games and DVDs. One day I came across this DVD called "NBA Street Series - Dunks! (2003)", I had to get it.

Here's Carter, jumping over a 7 foot center for a sick, sick dunk.

I grew up watching Jordan dunking on Ewing, Dominique with his insane windmill dunks, Clyde the Glide and his ridiculous hang time dunks. I thought I saw it all, until I popped in this DVD and witnessed some "Vince-Sanity". Vince Carter is (and I quote) "the best dunker in the history of basketball." That very well may be true. Now don't mistake best player in the history of basketball with best dunker. He might be on his way, but is still far from being the best player. But I have to admit, his dunks are fook'n sick.

This pic and the videos weren't from the DVD, and are actually kind of old. But for anyone who hasn't see this particular dunk before, its definatly worth watching.

Any of you want to see it on video?

Carter making a giant white guy look like a fool - 1

Carter making a giant white guy look like a fool - 2

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 21:59:13 GMT

I was promoted yesterday...I sent in my letter of resignation today.

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 18:47:27 GMT

Since I can't write for shit, here are some random ramblings about my weekend up north (sorry, most of this won't make sense if you weren't at Pauls BBQ):

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Rob is the greatest "items blown away collector" at windy BBQs that ever lived.

Paul will get anyone and everyone to try his Jerk sauce...

I found out that my friend Q WILL get you back if you grab a friend, have the two of you pick up the chair that he ( Q ) is sitting in and toss him into the pool. Later in the day, after I wiped myself down and put on my shirt...Q pushed me (and I literally went flying) into the pool.

I have to watch out for Ed around a pool, he adapted trick/sneak into real life and pushed me into the pool twice...I didn't know what hit me both times...

Swimming laps in the pool, getting out and smoking a cigarette and swimming more laps is not good for your health.

My girlfriend will put her left foot on my back, her right foot on the back of my head and use me like a surfboard, and also try to drown me in the process while I'm sinking to the bottom of the pool. Paul and Karen thought this was hilarious...bastards.

Paul has a strange picture collection of girls...AND guys.

Korean horror movies are frick'n hilarious if you watch them with the right people...(turn on the damn light bitch~)

According to the movie we watched, it rains every single night in Korea (also, it seems like there are no umbrellas there either) but its sunny during the day...

James will sing one of the best renditions of U2s "Beautiful Day" and flip it on you and sing "She Bags" ala William Hung style...and do the shit good too.

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There were much, much more laughs this past weekend but I'm too damn lazy to write it all out. Anyways, thx for the great weekend guys! We need to do this once every few months man. (and swtich between northern and southern cali...) For any friends that missed it, make sure to get to the next one, you'll have a blast!

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 19:59:28 GMT

Did you guys know your hand is NOT a bottle opener? I'm sitting there looking like a monkey with a beer bottle in one hand and no bottle opener. I ask/look around to find one but don't come up with anything. Now a normal person would keep looking, or at least ask around some more. Me? no...like the alcoholic genius that I am I walk over to a brick wall, put the edge of the cap on the corner of a brick and proceeded to pound the crap out of the bottle cap (with my hand) like a fuck'n retarded Neanderthal till the cap finally came off. So half the beer spill out on my shoes, the top of the bottle breaks and my first sip of my well deserved beer consisted of beer and GLASS...and the worst part...my hand still fuck'n hurts....

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 06:53:28 GMT

ok, I lied...I'm writing another entry.

Let me give a quick explanation for the green hot chick. (She's actually supposed to move and expose her fun-bags but I guess this thing doesn't support animated gifs)

So yeah, every pic I ever used to portray myself on these journal type sites comes out like shit (its the pics not me....whateveres). So I figured I'd use a hot girl this time, at least this way when you realize my entries suck, you can enjoy a pic of a hot girl. Sorry ladies, unless you're dykes this isn't for you. One thing I am worried about though...some guys thinking that the pic is actually me. Eh, whatevers, only my friends read this shit anyways. Oh yeah, and the green thing...thats a culmination of being totally bored at work, having a copy of Photoshop and my friend Pauls "Incredible Paulk" thingy...I get paid to make stupid pics of chicks and write journal entries...just like the millions of other people out there. Welcome to the real world?

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 23:19:53 GMT

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I can't think of a damn thing to write about...it's been around 2 years since I even attempted to write a entry...and I guess this is why. I think about meaningless crap all the time...but when I'm staring at my monitor my mind blanks out. This has got to be the worlds most pathetic case of "stage fright". I'm afraid of the millions of imaginary people that may or may not even read this page.

Hmmm...so I ran into someone that actually recognized me from my Asainaveunue page...that was pretty embarrassing considering all the stupid crap I used to write about. This was at a BBQ I went to where the average age of the crowd was approximately 23. And one kid said "28? That's nothing, I'm 24" I almost socked him...

One good thing I can talk about is my new girlfriend. Best damn GF out there, I love you hun. (Anyone laughing at this, fuck you. Anyone of my friends laughing at this, fuck you too.) So yeah, every time I try to write about something I blank out and start babbling like I am now...see you guys in another 2 years.